Rearview Memories

In 2010 was daar ineens de band To Speak of Wolves in het harde christelijke genre met hun debutalbum Myself < Letting Go. Omdat ze gecontracteerd zijn door Solid State, onderdeel van het bekende Tooth & Nail, trok dat direct mijn aandacht. In 2012 werd het album opgevolgd door het zware Find Your Worth, Come Home. Dit album kan ik erg waarderen en niet in de laatste plaats vanwege de laatste track (ik ben daar sowieso gevoelig voor, lees ook deze post). Het nummer heet Rearview Memories.

Lyrics

[Bree McAllister Monologue] God, I know you hear us when we cry. God, I know you’re always hear to listen – even as we said goodbye. But God, I didn’t say goodbye. At least, not the way I wanted to. My heart, torn out, twisted up, heavy, tired – but I wanted to…tell him goodbye. But God, not the way some people do. This isn’t goodbye. If I could just see through, I know he’s there with you. And now, here’s my question:

God, could you tell him that I love him? Could you tell him that I miss him? Would you tell him my confession? Tell him I’m sorry I didn’t understand his depression? That I allowed so much aggression to build up. Would you tell him how badly I wish I took the time to tell him myself?

Precious child, don’t you know you’re the apple of his eye?

Yes, God, he told me that but I never really listened.

Dear girl, don’t you know he’s never blamed you? He knew you tried.

But God, I didn’t try. I should’ve tried, but I let myself grow bitter and it only led to division.

My daughter, don’t you know you’re forgiven?

God, could you tell him that I love him? Could you tell him that I miss him? Would you give him my confession? Tell him I’m sorry I didn’t understand his depression? That I allowed so much aggression to build up inside.

Pretty, pretty princess, don’t you know you’re the apple of my eye?

Yes daddy, you told me that but I never really listened.

Sweet pea, don’t you know I never blamed you? I knew you tried.

But dad I didn’t try. I should’ve tried but I let myself grow bitter and it only led to our division.

Little girl, don’t you know I prayed for you?
I wanted you – you’re forgiven.

God, could you tell him I love him? Could you tell him I miss him? God, would you tell him I forgive him?

[End Bree McAllister Monologue]

I missed the cleansing
I missed the wedding
You missed out on so much more than me
In December I watched your daughter grow bitter
Then January came she took off her crown
I watched it shatter when it hit the ground
Hey Bree, it’s ok
You can fall apart everyday
And I’ll pick up the pieces when I can
I’ll stand you on your feet
Like Levi did for me
We’re all going through the seasons
Everyone falls apart
Everybody has to get a new start sometimes

[Levi The Poet Monologue]

Dear Dad, I sleep next to a woman now. She knows you better than she did when you were alive so be confident that you sowed seed in good soil and your legacy will watch the fruit grow. When I touch her skin, I can’t help but remember the way you affirmed my mother so be confident that we loved you with equal affection even though you never believed it was true. Oh God, heaven and hell are on my mind all of the time. I’ve got questions I never had before. I want to know where it is. Where you are. And when you talked to God, do you sit at his table and tell him stories about the day I was born? And does he laugh with you like it’s all a surprise to him?

I’ve got a couple of nephews now. Preston just had his firstborn. I pictured you holding me, when I watched him hold his daughter.
The shocked stare in his eyes swept over me like ocean waves and I knew that there is a kind of love that still exists that is completely foreign to me. I can’t stop thinking about it. So when you tip-toed out of the house before that quiet dawn was it the love of a man that knew a woman and held his children at birth and turned the ignition? And kept your ears from the rearview as you drove away from the house you made? Greater love knows none than this.

[End Levi The Poet Monologue]

What did you see?
I’ve got to know
Was it little Levi peddling down Date Street?
Were you sitting next to your wife with open eyes staring into hers?
Was she telling you “I love you, please don’t go.”
Were you walking Bree down the aisle giving her away to a better man?
I can’t stand it
Was the Devil in the bathroom with you?
Were his hands on the razor?
Was he drawing on your wrists?
Did you see God?
I want to know
I want to know where your soul is
What was it like when you took flight?

[Levi The Poet]

Dear Dad, I don’t hate you. I think there was selflessness in your selfishness and after seeing Preston’s kid I don’t even know if I think it was selfish at all. Maybe you’ll correct my theology when we laugh with God together. I’m going to think of you when I hold my son and I’ll do my best to watch over your wife and your daughter and in the end I’m glad that your dad got to clean up your arms and wipe your tears away.

In een volgende blog besteed ik meer aandacht aan dit nummer, en dan vooral de achtergrond en aanleiding.